Category Archives: Dating

Dating, Featured, Random Musings, Relationships, Sex

Elle.com: Why the only ‘half-full’ glass I want to see contains Jack Daniels

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“Come on, give me a smile!” I was hungover and hiding behind sunglasses. The Starbucks barista was the only thing standing between me and my morning coffee, so I tried my best. “Have a nice day, and don’t forget to think positive!” Since moving to Los Angeles, my pre-latte existential crises were becoming more frequent. I was dealing with a pile of rejections, lack of friends, an empty savings account, three flat tires, a then-boyfriend who said he “couldn’t do commitment,” and a text from my mom saying the family pug died.

But faking good cheer for a caffeine hit didn’t make me feel better. It only made me feel more “positive” that I wanted to punch him in the face.

Read more: Elle.com

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Dating, fairy tales, Relationships, Sex

My 25 Relationship Resolutions for 2013 on Elle.com

We’ve all been here before: We start the year with the best of intentions to lose weight, save money, or stop drinking, only to start February on the couch with champagne and cupcakes. Resolving to improve our relationships in little ways, however, is more realistic than we think. Below are 25 of them—whether we’re single, dating, or deeply committed.

1. Apply CEO logic to your relationship. Mega-successful people don’t dwell on their failures; they treat them as learning opportunities. Think: What if that bad breakup was the best thing that ever happened to you?

2. Shut the bathroom door. You can’t maintain sexy mystique if he can see hair remover on the sink or talk to you while you are on the toilet.

3. Say you’re sorry. Love means always having to say this. Sometimes in the heat of the moment, we worry too much about being right and forget that we’re on the same team. But you never “win” a fight if the other person walks away miserable.

4. Go to your girlfriends instead of your man to vent. For women, talking about problems releases the “feel-good” oxytocin hormone and lowers stress levels, while men just get tired and frustrated. Go to him when you need suggestions for a solution.

5. Snuggle more. When it comes to long-term relationship health, snuggling is just as important as sex. Both release the “cuddle” hormone oxytocin that makes us pair-bond, but snuggling also lowers stress and blood pressure, feels good, and makes you feel connected.

6. Eat and work out like you’re single. Of course we want someone who loves us “no matter what,” but living in sweatpants with pizza delivery on speed dial sends the message that we’ve stopped putting in the effort.

7. Talk about money. Pretend you are getting a pre-nup (and if you are getting married, get one for real). Throw everything on the table: Ask about income, debt, and financial goals. Financial incompatibility is a leading cause of divorce, so you’d be wise to know if you plan out every purchase while your significant other stuffs bills in the back of a drawer.

8. Figure out what you want. Remember that relationships aren’t slot machines. Continuing to invest in something that isn’t paying out doesn’t increase your odds of hitting the jackpot in the end. Instead of waiting around for something to change, be honest about what you want—with the people you are dating and with yourself.

9. Ask questions. Fear is the reason why people wait years to find out that someone doesn’t want to get married or have children. The question you’re most afraid to hear the answer to is the one that you should definitely ask.

10. Ditch the ridiculous deal breakers. It’s great to have high standards, but if your list of qualities to rule people out is more than a page long, you’re probably being too picky. Break up with the fantasy guy who lives in your head and accept that the perfect man for you will not be perfect. This is okay, because you aren’t either.

11. Stop comparing yourself to others. It’s toxic. Instead of pitting yourself against your friends’ Facebook posts, look in the mirror: How have you grown in the past year? What have you learned? What do you hope to achieve?

12. Be logical. Falling in love activates the same dopamine reaction in the brain as cocaine, so remember that during the first few months of a relationship you are under the influence of infatuation. Remind yourself to be rational, ask questions, and really listen to the answers. Even the ones you don’t want to hear.

13. Stop focusing on whether or not a first date could be The One. Pretending you’re meeting a friend can help prevent you from picking apart his flaws in your mind and will make you more confident and relaxed—which is also very attractive.

14. Stop multitasking. Put down the phone during dinner, be an active listener, and don’t think about your inbox during sex. Resolve to be more fully present for your relationship.

15. Make this the year that you really put the past behind you. Forgive the ex who cheated or friend who let you down. This doesn’t mean that what they did was okay; it means that you are choosing to let it go and be free. If you are holding on to guilt, make amends and forgive yourself for past mistakes.

16. Have adventures together. If you are bored, stop being boring. Learn a new language, take a trip, or just ride a roller coaster. The important thing is that you never stop having fun.

7. Give. Small gifts year-round keep that warm, fuzzy holiday feeling going. Something as simple as a massage or picking up his favorite dinner after a stressful day can strengthen intimacy.

18. Do nothing. When in doubt about what to do, sometimes the best thing to do is nothing. After an angry confrontation but before you send an angry text or email, ask yourself: Are you acting or just reacting? Often the need to “do something” is often driven by emotion, so you may get better results by waiting until you can make a more rational decision.

19. Mind your manners during arguments. It’s hard to be polite in the heat of the moment, so set ground rules ahead of time. This means no name-calling and no fighting in front of other people.

20. Learn to live in the moment instead of obsessing over “having it all.” This is an illusion anyway because our lives are constantly in flux. More job or relationship security usually equals less freedom, and there are benefits to being on both sides. So whether it’s your amazing boyfriend, your adventurous single life, or simply the ability to completely control the TV remote, find something about your life that you can appreciate right now.

21. Clean out your emotional life. Give yourself permission to delete your toxic friends, ex-boyfriends who can’t commit but always appear when you meet someone who can, and anyone else whose caller ID automatically makes you hit “ignore.”

22. Schedule sex—or at least a (wink, wink) “date night.” It may sound un-sexy, but the more you have, the more you will want. This is also a great excuse to buy more killer lingerie.

23. Go to bed angry. There’s no point in dragging out a fight when you are exhausted or emotionally wrecked. Sleep on it, and you may wake up with a fresh perspective.

24. Compliment your significant other often. It’s easy to point out what someone got wrong, but how often do you take the time to say thank you for a job well done? It will brighten their day and motivate them to do it again.

25. Figure out your fertility options. If your biological clock is ticking and having children is important to you, research fertility options. This could mean freezing eggs, having an ovarian reserve test, or considering life as a single parent. Implementing a Plan B will make you more confident about the future regardless of your present relationship status.

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commitment, Dating, fairy tales, The Love Detective

From Whore To Housewife

When he brought an entourage of scantily-clad twenty-somethings to our first date, I thought I was at a Rock of Love audition. Today our wedding is in the New York Times Vows section…the latest chapter in a crazy story. In the words of the great Oscar Wilde, “I like men who have a future and women who have a past.”

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Commitment-phobia, Dating, Relationships, The Love Detective

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You don’t want to wait six months to weed out crazy people, right? In detective school we learn cognitive interview techniques that are meant for questioning suspects and witnesses of a crime. The tricks we use to get  to get to the truth–fast–work equally well on first dates… Continue reading →

Why First Dates Should be Cognitive Interviews

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Dating, The Love Detective

Got a Shady Date? Interrogate.

I get a lot of requests to do background checks after three months of dating because something ‘doesn’t feel quite right’. But nine times out of ten, the disgruntled daters don’t need a background check. Because they can do their own investigation over appetizers. So before you pay tons of money to hire an expert, pretend that you are ‘good cop’ and ask a few questions. In a perfect world, by the end of the first date you would know:

1. First and last name. It’s amazing how many people never find out the correct spelling of the first and last name of the person they are dating. Once that magical dopamine kicks in, we let people into our vaginas who would never normally get into our home. I’ve done it myself with a guy who is still coded Biker Boy in my phone–then again, I knew that he was never husband material. If someone is a good person, they will want to give you information and bring you into their world.

2. Approximate Age. Few things instill as much fear ask asking a woman’s age but if you ever do need to do a background or criminal record search, this will help you verify that they are the person they claim to be. There are a million John Does, but very few born on 2/3/79 (to pre-empt any angry emails from a guy named John Doe born on 2/3/79, I picked the numbers at random.)

3. Where They Live. This is SO important. One of the first questions I ask when women come to me for help is ‘Where do they live?’ and ‘Have you been there?’ You don’t need an exact address on the first date–that could come across as creepy. But if you have been dating someone for more than six to eight weeks and haven’t seen their place, this is a MAJOR RED FLAG. You don’t want to just where they live; you want to see how they live. Are they hiding a girlfriend? Are they hoarders? Do they have a gimp mask hanging in the closet? Enquiring minds ( that’s you!) want to know.

4. What they do for a living. ‘Internet entrepreneur’ could mean that they spend their days on Facebook. If he directs you to a company website, was it built in his mom’s basement or does it have active link pages? Is it registered with the Better Business Bureau? If he claims to be a doctor or lawyer, why not verify his office/and or check his credentials online with the medical board?

Protecting yourself isn’t paranoid, it’s powerful. If you want to know how to find out the information without your date feeling like they are in the hot seat, tune in tomorrow.

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Celebrities, Dating, Relationships, Sex, The Love Detective

Are you trusting your ‘gut’, or something else?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It’s not often in reality TV  that you get to have a ‘teachable moment’, but in my opinion as an investigator it’s happening right now on The Real Housewives of Orange County with Vicki Gunvalson and her shady boyfriend Brooks Ayers. Everyone around her believes that he’s a con artist. After all, red flags don’t turn pink. Meanwhile she is equally sure that her instincts are right.

I see this as an investigator all the time, and I think it’s down to a fundamental misunderstanding of one of the first rules of detective school: Trust your gut.

When clients come to me and say, ‘I trusted my gut and got burned by the so-called love of my life, what happened?’, I empathize.  My first boyfriend claimed to work secret missions for the governement (I was 17 and too young to know that this was a Lifetime plotline!) We had seemed so right for each other. What was I doing wrong?

Now I get it. I thought I was trusting my gut, but once the crazy chemistry kicked in, organs further south took over. And a dopamine high is about 12,000 times more powerful than beer goggles.

Vicki is already in deep. But for everyone else, here are a few warning signs that you aren’t going with your ‘gut’:

1) He wants to jump into a relationship at lightning speed. I have nothing against sex on the first date, but if he’s aggressively pursuing a relationship before he really knows you, you have to ask yourself why he’s not being more careful about protecting his own interests. Maybe he has nothing going on? Think about car salesmen on a lot trying to close the deal.  Until you become a better human lie detector and  establish a baseline of what is ‘normal behavior’, it’s best to take it slowly–especially if the chemistry is super intense.

2) When you ask him a question, he replies with ‘you know you can trust me’ or ‘I’m a good guy’ or ‘I would never hurt you.’ Well, no, you don’t know you can trust him. You’ve known him for two minutes. And Jeffrey Dahmer thinks he has good points too, so ‘good guy’ is subjective. You need to do a dating Dragnet: Just the facts.

3) He/she uses ‘mirroring’. Mirroring is a flirting technique that is also common with con artists: They ‘mirror’ everything that the subject does or says. Literally, they move their head, touch their mouth and cross their arms at the same time that you do, and it makes you feel ‘in sync’. If they agree with EVERYTHING you say, try saying something utterly insane. “Hey, I’m thinking that whole Holocaust thing was just a hoax.” If they agree, they are clearly conning you. Or crazy racists. Either way, you have been warned!

4) Overblown declarations of love. If he sounds like he’s sponsored by Hallmark, it’s not authentic.

5) If you are slightly afraid to ask a question, it’s a sign that you should definitely ask it immediately. That’s your gut!

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Dating, Random Musings, Relationships, Sex, The Love Detective

Sex, Sleuthing, and Shots on the Radio

Tonight I’m a guest on Neil Strauss’s new Sirius radio show, The Inner Circle. Taping was a blast: We discuss sex and marriage, which naturally leads to discussion of death, prostitution, cheating, whisky shots and one guest threatening suicide. I wasn’t the instigator of a man threatening to kill himself (though honestly, if I had been it probably would not have been the first time!) You can get a free 30-day trial here. Check it out! 

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